Thursday, February 24, 2011
shame & hormones thursday.
trust me on this.
ok, so not to tmi you to death,
but i think i may be, at 43.5yo,
can i get a woohoo?
more like an ew. boo.
the strongest evidence of this possibility
are the utterly random extreme-hormone days
i'm experiencing a few times monthly.
& by "extreme-hormone," i of course mean
picture a terriblehorriblenogoodverybad pms day
so, i had one last weekend.
on the inside, i felt inexplicably & uncontrollably
resentful, rageful & overwhelmed.
on the outside, i sobbed, sniped, snarled, slammed
& basically behaved as if my husband
was a walking, talking bullseye &
it was my day for target practice.
the next day, i felt ok again.
& i'm sure my husband was relieved
to be able to breathe again.
i felt awful about my behavior,
about being so horrid toward him,
about being so all-over-the-place crazy.
but i didn't apologize.
i didn't try to explain.
i didn't do anything.
except pretend it didn't happen.
on the outside, anyway.
on the inside, it was still with me.
so, a few days pass, & i'm reading
the amazing brené brown's book,
the gifts of imperfection.
& i come to the section titled
letting go of perfectionism."
& i read this:
where perfectionism exists, shame is always lurking.
shame is the birthplace of perfectionism.
now, i know i'm a perfectionist.
[why do you think i'm reading this book?]
but shame . . . such an ugly word.
shame, i haven't claimed.
& according to the brilliant dr. brown,
when we don't claim shame,
it claims us.
& suddenly, a little lightbulb goes
*bling!* right above my noggin.
& suddenly, i realize i'm not
talking about my "episode" with my husband,
not apologizing for it,
not even acknowledging it,
because i don't just feel guilty about it . . .
i am ashamed of myself for it.
i am ashamed not only of the way i behaved,
but also of the way i felt.
ashamed that i couldn't control myself.
ashamed that i couldn't control
my emotions, my hormones,
my involuntary physiological volatility.
& i say to myself, seriously, kristen?
seriously, you are carrying shame
because you can't control
the mysterious inner workings of
your hormone-producing organs?
this, ladies & gentlemen,
at its insidious worst.
feeling shameful & inadequate
because you can't control
innately incontrollable things.
& then, i read this:
our imperfections are not inadequacies;
they are reminders that we're all in this
together. imperfectly, but together.
ok. i am imperfect. i am not inadequate.
& hormones sky-high or hormones rock-bottom,
we're all in this together.
my beautiful family & i
are all in this together.
imperfectly, but together.
& i feel like i get it.
for now. for today.
until another "reminder" rolls around.
& i feel a little better.
& i hope my husband reads my blog. :)
image source: david a. wright.