what's your story?

spoiler alert: i love oprah.

ok, i know you knew that.
but the fact is, she inspires me.

she makes me think. she makes me feel.
she truly gives me those epiphanic aha! moments
all. the. time.
she shifts my perspective.
she moves my spirit.
she taps into my heart-center.
she lifts me to higher ground.

so, i keep on watching own,
keep on listening to oprah radio,
keep on reading o magazine,
keep on clicking around oprah.com.

& i keep on learning. about me.

all of which i mention because
this post is about my latest aha!
provided courtesy of ms. o.

i'm not religious, i disagree with him a lot,
& i can barely tolerate his southern charismatic
preacher persona, accent & barbie wife.
but watching joel osteen & oprah talk about his
"i am" sermon & book, i declare, struck a genuine chord with me.

if you read this blog regularly [as regularly as i write it, anyhow],
then you understand that during the past year or two,
i've been struggling more & succeeding less than i'm used to.
i've been struggling with money & work, weight & hormones,
with my devolving relationship with my aging parents.

& while i'm a natural optimist, & i believe the struggles
aren't forever, they're just for now, & they will get better,
i also find myself, from time to time, blaming, shaming &
doomsday dialoguing with

myself.

why do i make the same sort of mistakes again & again?
how will i ever climb out of the giant hole i've gotten myself into?
why don't i show greater self-control? why don't i learn? why don't i change?
what am i, stupid? a strident inner voice shrieks.

& often, the answer comes back, quiet & dispirited: yes.

i beat myself up. i beat myself down.
& yet, i expect whatever the situation is to improve.

here are some of the notes i wrote down from
oprah's i am: life is how you see it lifeclass with joel osteen:

:: whatever follows 'i am' is going to come looking for you.

:: you become what you believe.

:: whatever you feed will grow.

:: your words become your destiny.

:: don't say the negative words out loud; don't give them life.

:: change the recording in your mind.

:: you have the power to become the hero of your own life.

:: you have a purpose; as long as you have breath, you have what someone else needs.

:: be confident in who god made you to be.

:: nobody can be better at being you than you.

:: bring honor to god by being passionate about who you are.

:: be who god made you to be. you don't need other people's approval.
be you — be gratefully, joyfully, fully full-on you. & god will smile.

as another inspiration & oprah-phile, dr. brene brown, notes,
authenticity is a practice. it's a thousand everyday choices, every. day.

& it begins with your thoughts, the story you're telling yourself.

if you don't like the story you're telling yourself [or others]
about you & your life, if your story isn't working for you,
then CHANGE IT.

choose a new & improved story.
& whenever the old recording begins looping in your mind,
press 'stop.' & put on your new story.

it begins with "i am ... ."

i am blessed.
i am living in abundance.
i am healthy.
i am fit.
i am strong.
i am solid.
i am secure.
i am a thoughtful spender.
i am a mindful saver.
i am taking care of myself.
i am beautiful.
i am calm.
i am confident.
i am creative.
i am productive.
i am energized.
i am flowing.
i am shining.
i am worthy.
i am lovable.
i am a child of god.
i am grateful.
i am joyful.
i am in peace.
i am in power.

i am not just enough . . .
i am plenty.

& i am passionately ME.


so, what's your story?

boy-girl parties & tea-party parents.

i honestly didn't expect it,
but middle-age is hitting me kind of hard.

since turning 45yo last summer,
i've begun both peri-menopause & antidepressants,
i'm preparing for my oldest to begin high school [whaaaaaaaaaaaaa???],
& now, my youngest is ending his single-digit years.

yep. big boy's turning ten.

it's bringing me down, man. bumming me out, dude.
making me nostalgic, somewhat melancholy & a little weepy.
& i don't think it's the hormones. this time.

i am sad about the looming finiteness of our four-family togetherness.
i am sad about the loss of actual children around our house.
i'm worried about what the tween/teen years hold for both of our kids.

& i am sad about the growing gap between me & my parents.

how are these things related, as it were?

well, our boy is special. every child is special, of course,
but our boy likes girl stuff. always has. & always will, i reckon.

he prefers imaginative play over physical play.
he befriends mostly girls, & all of his very best friends have been girls.
he prefers girl characters, girl names, & toys & books marketed for girls.
& all of this has been true since he was a toddler.

at this point, we don't know what this means for his identity.
it might mean he's gay. it might mean he's transgender.
it might mean he's a straight boy who likes girl stuff.

but in our current culture, one thing it will surely mean is
he's going to get shit because of it. maybe a little, maybe a whole goddamn lot,
but he will be questioned & mocked & probably humiliated
& hurt emotionally & maybe even physically because of it.

so, as his mama, my mantra is: this house, this family must always be
where he can come & be utterly himself & be wholly accepted
& completely loved. period. no qualifications. no ifs, ands, buts, etc.

so, we threw him a dora-themed birthday party
when he turned three & again when he turned four.
we bought him the ariel nightgown he loved so much at disney world.
we sent him to fashion camp the past two summers.

we also get him plenty of building toys & puzzles &
animal-themed things, because he likes them, too.
we facilitate playdates with his close friends, boys & girls alike.
we talk about how different people like different things,
& how that's ok, because everybody's different.

last year, we threw him a monster high-themed birthday
party, & we're doing it again this year.
but in our family, ten is the magical age at which
you're permitted to have a slumber party.
so naturally, he wants to have one.

with five of his very best friends. who all happen to be girls.

he has been talking about it excitedly since october.
& i've been fretting about it slightly since october.

i fretted about the appropriateness of a 9-10yo boy-girl sleepover.
but then i realized that was my conservative upbringing talking,
that i knew there was exactly 0% inappropriate about our boy
& his girl friends & their feelings/intentions toward each other.

so then i fretted nobody would show, no other parents would
permit their girls to come for fear of inappropriateness.
& i fretted about the heartbreaking disappointment our boy
would experience if that happened.

but i can't control how other people parent their children,
only how i choose to parent mine.

so i sent an invitation via email to the moms
of the five girls. & toward the bottom, i noted
that ours will be the only boy at the party,
that the kids will be sleeping in an open playroom
next to our master bedroom, & that parental eyes & ears
will be alert to them at all times.

& all five moms have rsvp'd with an enthusiastic yes!
[one girl might not spend the night, as she's wary of sleeping away from home,
but she's coming to the evening portion of the party.]

no questions, no concerns, no worries.
because they know us, & more importantly, they know our son,
& their daughters love him, so they do, too.

my mother, on the other hand, was appalled
we're hosting such a mixed-company soiree.
not that i really expected a different reaction.
hoped for, maybe, but not expected.

these are the same grandparents who won't give him
the gifts he wants most for christmas or birthdays
if they're marketed for girls. i must identify
clearly gender-neutral items for them to buy.

they are the same grandparents who think
homosexuality is a choice made against god &
who actively oppose equal rights for the lgbt community.

& they are the same grandparents who believe
our children are already going to hell because
we didn't have them baptized in the church.

none of which is to imply they don't love our kids.
they act extremely lovingly toward them,
they're generous & kind & playful,
& the kids love spending time with them.

& from their perspective, i'm sure their negative judgment
of our parenting choices comes from a place of love,
of wanting what's best for teen girl & big boy . . .
& of not feeling what we're doing is that.

hence, the growing gap between us.

when you're making choices as a mom, & you had good parents yourself,
it's only natural to go to them for their thoughts,
to talk situations through with them, & gather their
experience & wisdom as you weigh your options.

more & more, i feel like i can't do that with my parents.

likewise, it's only natural to want their thumbs-up,
their good-parenting seal of approval
on the choices you make as a mom, especially the hard ones,
to let you know they're behind you & believe in you as a good mom.

more & more, i feel like i won't get that from them.

what they don't understand is that their disapproval won't deter me
from doing what i know in my mama-heart is right for my children.
all it does is make me not want to share it with them.

& that makes me sad.

the last thing i want during their final years [dad's 80yo; mom's 79yo]
is for us to grow further apart, rather than closer together.

i've got a friend who wonders why i tell them about stuff
they're sure to react negatively to? just don't say anything, she advises.

but if i can't be who i am & my son can't be who he is
in order to keep the peace, as it were,
then that makes me sad, too. & inauthentic, which is
the exact opposite of what i want to model for my son.

& there's the aha moment, the lesson i'm learning from my sweet boy daily:

how to keep giving him unconditional love, acceptance & support
as i struggle with not getting the same from my parents
now that i've been brave enough to show them who i really am.

an open-hearted, open-minded, unapologetic yellow-dog-liberal feminist,
working to become my best self, to choose love over fear, to nurture connection,
who believes we are all children of god & should treat each other as such.

& who will do whatever's necessary to make sure my children have
whatever they need from me to realize their potential & fulfill their purpose,
as that is definitely part of mine.

period. no qualifications. end of story.



image source: me & big boy, ca. 2003.

women's congress?

the good news about the 113th u.s. congress?
a record number of women — 80 representatives + 20 senators —
were sworn in as members earlier this month
as a result of last november's election.

the bad news about the 113th u.s. congress?
i know, i know — there's a saddening bad-news smorgasbord from which to choose,
but the bad news i'm referring to is that despite the above-mentioned good news,
the violence against women act died.

for the first time in 19 years, the vawa doesn't exist
because the u.s. house of representatives failed to pass its renewal.
house republicans, it seems, didn't want to extend protection to
immigrants, the lgbt community or native americans.

co-written by a democrat & a republican, the vawa targets domestic violence.
& though about 85% of the victims of domestic violence happen to be women,
the law protects across the board, regardless of gender.
it includes measures that:

:: support investigation & prosecution of violent crimes;
:: impose automatic & mandatory restitution on those convicted;
:: permit civil redress in cases prosecutors choose not to persue;
:: provide legal assistance for victims;
:: provide housing assistance for victims;
:: fund family shelters & outreach groups;
:: fund community programs dedicated to fighting violence;
:: educate police about the signs of domestic violence,
how to interpret crime scenes & witness testimony; &
:: help prevent elder abuse.

the vawa was first passed in 1994, & was readily renewed in 2000 & 2005.
here's hoping our more-womanly-than-ever congress
gets 'er done — with protection for all americans —
again here in 2013.


image source: the house women democrats, 1.3.2013, via upi.

are you a fe-man-ist??

a quick little femi-litmus quiz for the boys, courtesy of the frisky
[you might want to imagine your man's answers & ensure he's
the right guy for you]:

sir, you may be a feminist if you . . .

:: are proud and not threatened that your wife, girlfriend or gal pal earns more money than you.

:: wouldn’t dream of having sex with a girl too drunk to consent.

:: are appalled by how many celebrities and professional athletes get away with abusing, sexually assaulting or killing women.

:: even though you believe abortion is wrong, you believe a woman should make decisions about her own body.

:: respect female power and don’t feel threatened by it. [extra points for a Hillary '08 tee]

:: are pretty horrified at the expectation of other dudes that women wax their nether-regions bare.

:: don’t feel the need to qualify people as “a female doctor” or “a female writer.”

:: realize all the glitter nail polish, red lipstick, and stiletto heels in the world doesn’t make a woman dumber than you.

:: pay and promote your employees based on merit — i.e., your female employees can expect to make as much as your male employees — and offer both maternity and paternity leave.

:: love women’s bodies, yet wonder why they are used to sell everything from beer to drano.

:: expect to do as much of the diaper-changing and PBJ-making as the mother of your children because you realize fatherhood is equally as important.

:: tell your buddies to quit it whenever you hear them talk degradingly about women.

:: understand that lesbians were not put on the Earth for “Girls Gone Wild” videos.

:: wouldn’t dream of criticizing a black woman for rocking her natural hair.

:: give as good as you get [sometimes better?] in bed.

:: are open to the evolution of your own gender identity/expression, i.e., you don’t tell yourself or other males “a real man shouldn’t” or “a real man can’t.”


image source: rupaul "foxy lady" doll @ logo tv.

powerful. pregnant. yahoo!

marissa mayer, the half-finnish daughter of
an art teacher & an engineer from wausau, wisconsin,
is now arguably america’s most powerful pregnant woman.

monday, 37yo mayer was named the new president & ceo of web giant yahoo!
tuesday, she revealed she’s pregnant with her first child, a baby boy, due in october.

prior to joining yahoo!,
she was employee #20 at google, & the company’s first girl engineer.
since 2010, mayer has been serving as vice president
of google’s local, locations & map services.
previously, she managed the company’s search team for over ten years.

huge kudos to mayer, who may be the
first-ever pregnant ceo of a fortune 500 tech company.
& huge kudos to yahoo! execs, who apparently were informed of her pregnancy
& didn’t let the term “delicate condition” be included in their decision-making.

mayer says she intends to work through only a handful of weeks of
maternity leave from home before returning to the workplace.

hmmm.

the reality is, mayer definitely has the resources
to actually follow through with her plan.
she has access to excellent childcare,
a schedule she sets herself,
a spouse with similar flexibility,
& tons of money.

but she still has literally a world of expectation on her professionally,
all the personal expectations – real, perceived & self-induced –
that naturally accompany motherhood,
a body full of chemical, hormonal & other physiological change,
& a little creature of love she’s going to want to be with all. the. time.

& how mayer deals with all that,
incidentally,
will send a socially significant message
about women & work & equality & america
& feminism & motherhood & life|work balance.

no pressure, marissa.

here’s hoping smart, hard-working, powerful, pregnant you
finds a way to build a better workplace for women;
finds a way to create a for-real family-friendly work culture,
with understanding & support, rather than judging & resentment;
finds a way to convince folks that pregnancy & parenthood
don’t diminish a woman’s worth in the workplace;
finds a way to help moms who don’t have the expansive resources you enjoy.

& here’s hoping new-mommy you
finds a way to spend as much time as
humanly possible sniffing the head
of that little creature of love.

because believe you me, yummybabyscalpscent is fleeting.


image source: latimes.com.

i'm not afraid.

louisa may alcott.
wise woman writer.

image source: going places 2 @ etsy.com.

you are enough.

truth: i think judging people is wrong,
yet i'm embarrassingly judgmental.

& i don't know why . . .
but i suspect it mostly comes from my own insecurities.

which, while i wholly own them, are cultivated & nurtured
by the media & its merciless promotion of the
myth of the 21st-century superwoman.

as american women, we're up against some pretty harsh cultural beliefs.
like, if you don't have it all & have it all together,
if you're not doing it all & doing it all 'correctly,'
if you're not being everything to everybody while wearing a smile,

then you're f*cking up

& are essentially inadequate
as a woman, a wife, a mother & a professional, because —
& here's the biggest whopper of them all —
there are women who are having & doing & being all that, & a bag of chips.

[but only organic chips made from locally grown potatoes,
picked by legal but disadvantaged immigrants for fair pay,
free of trans fats & endorsed by michelle obama.]

pssst . . . those all-that-+-chips women?
they don't exist.

which is my main issue with the recent controversial
"are you mom enough?" time magazine cover.

it's all about fostering feelings of inadequacy
& competition among women, bullseye-targeting the very area
where we tend to feel the greatest vulnerability: motherhood.

confession #2: when i saw this cover,
i judged.

not the breastfeeding — breastfeeding is great,
i'm the first to support moms being able to breastfeed
whenever & wherever they need to,
& most images of breastfeeding i find sweet & touching.

but . . . declaration tre:
based in large part on my personal experience, i've got some
deep-seated issues with the way breastfeeding is, excuse the expression,
force-fed to women within our society.

breastfeeding for the first year is positioned as
the. best. thing. for. every. child. period.
so women who can't or don't breastfeed their baby,
or who can't or don't do it for a full year,
are implicitly not doing the best thing for their child,
& are therefore less-than as mothers.

that is, less than mothers who do breastfeed for the full first year.
again, a lie that feeds the perception of inadequacy & competition among women.

but back to my cover-judging . . .

not the concept of breastfeeding of a 3yo
nor the concept of attachment parenting.
while i personally don't think i could breastfeed a child
beyond about 18mos with emotional comfort,
or practice attachment parenting
[my husband & i agree, one of the best household rules
we ever established was our 'everybody sleeps in their own bed' decree],
if it works for your family — meaning parents & children alike —
then go for it. it's just not something that i feel would work for me.
& as we all know, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

so, here's what i did judge:

:: the image time chose to use:
model-esque 26yo mom dressed in a cami & skinny jeans,
posed in a defiant stance, seemingly oblivious to her preschooler
son standing awkwardly up on a chair, with a facial expression
of complete discomfort as he suckles while twisting toward the camera.
wtf?

at the top of this post, you can see an alternate shot
from the same photo shoot, of mama & boy in a cradling embrace
as they share a quiet nursing moment.
this, time magazine, is what breastfeeding
& attachment parenting are really about:
nurturing, nourishing, bonding & love.

but that sh*t don't sell magazines.

:: the mom's exposure not of her breast, but of her child.

she is an adult consenting to quasi-expose her breast
& her beliefs on the cover of a national magazine
[& subsequently, international media of all sorts].

he is a little boy, unable to consent to having a photo of himself
suckling at his mother's breast on the cover of a national magazine
& available internationally forever [once it's on the internet . . .].

add to that imbalance the fact that this particular mom
has a blog called iamnotthebabysitter.com
where she refers to herself as a narcissist [dingdingding!],
has a photo of both of her sons [ages 3yo & 5yo] breastfeeding
simultaneously [the elder son, incidentally,
was adopted from ethiopia late 2010 . . . ?],
& a knee-slapper post — with photos — of the brothers
discovering — & yes, taste-testing — her edible undies,
& it all adds up to, for me, a mom who put her own self-interest
above & beyond her child's best interests, &
in a way that may prove to be damaging to them.

to be fair, this particular mom also seems like a
genuinely good-hearted person trying to do good in the world —
she advocates strongly for breastfeeding, adoption &
multi-racial families; she volunteers; she even launched
her own nonprofit [the fayye foundation] to help
ethiopia's orphan crisis by supporting health clinics
offering antiretroviral medication & prenatal care, &
by providing orphanages with food, supplies & healthcare access.

i'm not trying to accuse her of being an evil person
or even a bad mom. i just feel she made an extremely poor —
& unfortunately, lasting — parenting choice
with the whole breastfeeding-her preschooler-on-the-cover-of-time thing.

:: the utterly offensive women vs. women headline.

the photo got all the attention,
but the headline, for me, is much more egregious.

"are you mom enough?"
again, wtf?

honestly, i feel this sensationalistic cover is just another grenade
lobbed our way in america's apparent "war on women."
the deeply appalling thing here is how it sets women up
to compare, compete & hate on each other — as mothers.

it is, in a word, shameful.

especially assuming the time team members who put it together,
if not women themselves, then at minimum all had/have mothers of their own.

lisa belkin @ huffingtonpost.com said it perfectly
in her piece "no. i am not mom enough."
so i'll leave the final word of this lengthy post to her,
with a resounding AMEN. [& i want to be her when i grow up] from me:

i am not mom enough to take the bait. ...
to feel inferior, or superior, or defensive, or guilty —
or anything at all, if it means i am
comparing myself to other mothers.

motherhood is — should be — a village,
where we explore each others' choices, learn from them,
respect them, & then go off & make our own.

i refuse to see either a heroine or an extremist
in time's cover photo. i won't condemn her or praise her.
i will not stoop to the level of pretending that
we are so unidimensional that we can be divided by a lifestyle choice.

i am not mom enough.

god says yes.

i asked god if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
i asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
i asked her if i could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
thanks god i said
and is it even okay if i don't paragraph
my letters
sweetcakes god said
who knows where she picked that up
what i'm telling you is
yes yes yes

"god says yes to me" by kaylin haught.
from in the palm of your hand by steve kowit.

image source: lovely sparrow & co. @ etsy.com.

top five regrets of the dying.

australian writer & songwriter bronnie ware
spent several years caring for dying people
who had gone home to spend their final weeks of life.

bronnie questioned them about any regrets they had or
anything they would have done differently, & within their answers,
she discovered common themes emerging again and again.

bronnie's memoir chronicling how these regrets helped
change her life will be published march 20th.

here, from the top five regrets of the dying:
a life transformed by the dearly departing, are
the five most common life regrets:

1. i wish i'd had the courage to live a life true to myself,
not the life others expected of me.
the most common regret of all.
make choices that honor your dreams.
from the moment you lose your health, it's too late.
health offers a freedom frequently unappreciated until it's gone.

2. i wish i didn't work so hard.
every male patient had this regret,
& as more & more women become breadwinners,
i sadly suspect they will share it.
simplify your lifestyle & create more space in your life.

3. i wish i'd had the courage to express my feelings.
many people quashed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.
consequently, they settled for a mediocre existence,
& held onto lifelong resentment over it.
speak honestly, & it will either
make your relationship healthier or
release the unhealthy relationship from your life.

4. i wish i had stayed in touch with my friends.
many people had let golden friendships slip through the cracks
while they were caught up in their own busy lifestyles.
give friendships the time & energy they deserve.
at the end of life, all that remains is love & relationships.

5. i wish i had let myself be happier.
many people don't realize happiness is a choice.
they stay stuck in old patterns and habits,
pretending they're content because they're afraid of change.
don't let fear or familiarity hold you down.
this may well be your one & only opportunity to live a happy life.

concludes bronnie ware:
life is a choice.
it is your life.
choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly.
choose happiness.


image source: windows7 wallpapers.

your best day.

the best day of your life is the one
on which you decide your life is your own.

no apologies or excuses.
no one to lean on, rely on or blame.

the gift of life is yours.

it is an amazing journey
& you alone are responsible
for the quality of it.


~ dan zadra ~


image source: david macdonald.

love over fear.

my dear friend & inspirator [i just made that up — & i like it!] renee trudeau
has just launched a challenge/movement/psa
that is so very appropos for what we all face, day in & day out . . .

natural disasters. manmade atrocities.
contempt in the name of politics. mockery in the name of religion.
economic uncertainties. everyday incivilities.

it's a lot to deal with.
so, how do you deal with it?

love? or fear?

quoth the wise & wonderful renee:

we always have a choice in how we interact with each other & how we see the world.

we can come from fear —
where we constrict, shut down & cut ourselves off from others,
or we can come from love —
where we expand, open up, connect with & trust others.

our daily interactions are a reflection
of where we choose to hang out & live in:
the house of fear or the house of love.

i choose love.

& that's what renee's challenge/movement/psa is all about.

encouraging us all to mindfully choose to come from
a place of love rather than a place of fear in our daily doings.

to choose love
in traffic
in line at the drive-through or grocery store
in high-pressure meetings
in temper tantrums at the mall
with our partners
with our parents
with our children
with ourselves.

that's right — choosing love isn't just about doing unto others.
it's about doing right by you, too.
because the more you show you some love,
the more you can show others the same love, kindness & compassion.

the more you can ease into the flow of life.
the more you can trust the universe is working for you.
the more you can feel there is more than enough for everyone.
the more you can have a soft & open heart. every day. all day long.

& who doesn't want some of that?
[i do! i do!]

so, how will you choose love today?

suggestions for starting:
:: read renee's challenge & faq's about it.
:: visit her live inside out community & share stories about it.
:: get an i choose love tee [at cost] & clearly wear your intention.


image source: reneetrudeau.com.

loving. hopeful. optimistic.

my friends, love is better than anger.

hope is better than fear.

optimism is better than despair.

so let us be loving, hopeful & optimistic.
& we will change the world.


~ jack layton ~


image source: typeposters @ etsy.com.

three little words.

& now, a word of inspiration from thomas dexter jakes, sr.,
chief pastor of a 30,000-member dallas-based
non-denominational megachurch,
& wise guy:

there are people who can walk away from you.

& hear me when i tell you this:
when people can walk away from you, let them walk.
i don’t want you to try to talk another person
into staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. 
i mean hang up the phone.

when people can walk away from you, let them walk.
your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

people leave you because they are not joined to you.
& if they are not joined to you, then you can’t make them stay.

let them go.

& it doesn’t mean they are a bad person.
it just means their part in the story is over.
& you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over,
so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
you’ve got to know when it’s dead.

you’ve got to know when it’s over.
let me tell you something.
i’ve got the gift of good-bye. i believe in good-bye.
it’s not that i’m hateful; it’s that i’m faithful,
& i know whatever god means for me to have, he’ll give it to me.
& if it takes too much sweat, then i don’t need it.
stop begging people to stay.

let them go!!

if you are holding onto something that doesn’t belong to you
& was never intended for your life, then you need to
let it go!!

if you are holding onto past hurts and pains,
let it go!!

if someone can’t treat you right, love you back & see your worth,
let it go!!

if someone has angered you,
let it go!!

if you are holding onto some thoughts of evil & revenge,
let it go!!

if you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction,
let it go!!

if you are holding onto a job that no longer meets your needs or talents,
let it go!!

if you have a bad attitude,
let it go!!

if you keep judging others to make yourself feel better,
let it go!!

if you are stuck in the past & god is trying to move you forward,
let it go!!

if you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship,
let it go!!

if you keep trying to help someone who won’t try to help themselves,
let it go!!

if you are feeling depressed and stressed,
let it go!!

if there is a particular situation you are so used to handling yourself
& god is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’
then you need to
let it go!!

let the past be the past.
forget the former things.
god is doing a new thing.
let it go!!

get right or get left,
think about it, & then
let it go!!

so, what are you ready to let go of today?


image source: new times.

a day ago.

i was adopted basically at birth.
i didn't know my birthmom until i was 25,
when she & my birthdad found me.

i had her in my life for only fifteen years.
she died abruptly three years ago
when she fell in her kitchen,
hitting her head on the tile floor.
she died of traumatic brain injury within three days.

she was extraordinary,
& not one day goes by i don't wish
that she were still here or
that i had made more of our time together.

i especially loved
her boundless generosity,
her amazing thoughtfulness
& her smokey laugh.

i used to be careful
to celebrate birthmother's day with her
[the saturday prior to mother's day sunday],
as actual mother's day belonged
to my real mom who brought me up.

i regret that now.

i regret it because
it is not a competition,
more family just means more love,
& both of these wonderful women
made huge sacrifices to help me become
who i am today.

so this mother's day,
along with honoring my real mom
with gifts & cards & calls,

i honored my birthmom
in my heart [& now, on this blog]
for everything she gave me.


love & miss you
yesterday, today & every day,
nana pat.


image source: big girl & nana pat, circa 2000, as photographed by me.

no numbing allowed.

ok, so the irony here is
i'm writing this while watching
a dvr'd episode of glee.

nevertheless, thanks to a online course i'm in,
i'm thinking about
activities that numb.

things we do that distract us
from the real stuff of life.

things like
google.
text.
tweet.
update status.
check email.
real housewives.
desperate housewives.
drive through.
caffeination.
tap apps.
shop-n-drop.
overschedule.

you get the idea.
& i bet you know the drill.
i know i do.

so i've begun to un-numb
one extremely important
slice of my life.

food.

full disclosure:
i tend to eat too much of
the wrong sort of food
for the wrong reasons.

i heart sweet stuff.
en masse.

i eat from boredom.
i eat for comfort.
i eat to settle myself down.
i eat to wake myself up.

wow － sounding a little like a pill-popper there.
yikes.

just plain hungry & just plain full －
not starving, not stuffed －
are feelings i have trouble identifying.

so. i've begun to un-numb around food.

i'm journaling everything i eat.
i'm drinking more water.
i'm eating less [normal portions].
i'm eating slower [savoring speed].

i'm doing none of the above perfectly.
i'm not sure i will ever do any of the above perfectly.
but i'm trying. & i'll keep on trying.

& i'm feeling better － lighter － already.
& lighter is good. & better is good.
& feeling is really, really good.

so, how are you wanting/willing/ready
to un-numb your life today?? do share.


image source: a smart mouth.

clear.

clear.

that's it.
that's my one little word for 2011.

clear.

i've been occasionally mulling it over,
& was just about to give up on the whole concept
for the year.

just skip it.

& just like that, tonight it emerged.
it came through, loud &, um,
clear.

like a bell.

like a countertop.

like a tall, cool glass of fresh water.

like a deep breath.

like an afternoon.

like an inbox.

like an intention.

so, what are you feeling clear about this 1.11.11?
or what are you wishing to be clear about?


image source: dream bora bora.

pink postscript.

i didn't want to lump a breast-cancer message
together with my latest, rather vitriolic post.

so here's my think pink item du jour:


breast cancer action, the self-proclaimed
"watchdog of the breast-cancer movement,"
wants you to beware of pinkwashers.


[pinkwasher: (pink’-wah-sher) noun.
a company that purports to care about breast cancer
by promoting a pink-ribboned product, but
that manufactures products linked to the disease.]


think before you pink™, a breast cancer action
program, launched in 2002 in response to
a growing concern about the booming pink-ribbon marketplace.


the campaign advocates for
more transparency & accountability by companies
participating in breast-cancer fundraising,
& more questioning & discernment by consumers
buying into pink-ribbon promotions.


seriously fascinating stuff.


click here for the five essential questions
you should ask before you purchase pink.




image source: usatoday.com

dream big.

i make no bones or secret about it:
i heart barack obama.

he is not unflawed. he is not infallible.
he does not have the magic wand we all wish someone had
to wave over the broken parts of our country
& fix it.

but he is smart. he is thoughtful.
he is compassionate. he is kind.
& he is trying. he is working hard
to make the broken parts better.

& man, he gives a hell of a speech.
inspirational. visionary. & seriously well-crafted.

a couple of weeks ago, he gave his annual
back-to-school speech to the students at
philadelphia's julia r. masterman middle-high school.

i read through it last night, & discovered words
of inspiration for not only my children,
but also for myself.

my favorite excerpts:

nobody gets to write your destiny but you.

your future is in your hands.

your life is what you make of it.

& nothing － absolutely nothing － is beyond your reach.

so long as your willing to dream big.

so long as you're willing to work hard.

so long as you're willing to stay focused.

you may wonder if some people

are just better at certain things.

& it's true that we each have our own gifts & talents

we need to discover & nurture.

but just because you're not the best at something today

doesn't mean you can't be tomorrow.

even if you don't think of yourself

as a math person or as a science person －

you can still excel in those subjects

if you're willing to make the effort.

& you may find out you have talents

you'd never dreamed of.

excelling in school or in life isn't mainly

about being smarter than everybody else.

it's about working harder than everybody else.

don't avoid new challenges －

seek them out, step out of your comfort zone, &

don't be afraid to ask for help;

your teachers & family are there to guide you.

don't feel discouraged or give up

if you don't succeed at something － try it again

& learn from your mistakes.

don't feel threatened if your friends are doing well;

be proud of them, & see what lessons

you can draw from what they're doing right.

life is precious, & part of its

beauty lies in its diversity.

we shouldn't be embarrassed by

the things that make us different.

we should be proud of them.

because it's the things that make us different

that make us who we are.

& the strength & character of this country

have always come from our ability

to recognize ourselves in one another,

no matter who we are,

or where we come from,

what we look like,

or what abilities or disabilities we have.

yes, we need to work hard.

yes, we need to take responsibility for our own education.

yes, we need to take responsibility for our own lives.

but what makes us who we are is that

here, in this country, we not only

reach for our own dreams,

we help others do the same.

this is a country that gives

all its daughters & all its sons

a fair chance.

a chance to make the most of their lives.

a chance to fulfill their god-given potential.

thanks, mr. president, for the pep talk.
middle-school or middle-age,
we all need one now & then.

p.s. i heart you.


click here for the full text of president obama's 2010 back-to-school speech.


image source: kelly rae roberts.

four simple goals.

inspiring idea today from
elsie flannigan's a beautiful mess blog . . .

with one-third of the year left to go, establish
four simple goals to aim for before 2011.

elsie's "rules" for the 4sg:

1. choose simple goals that will make your life richer & happier on a daily basis. choose things you might not otherwise get done, but which aren't difficult to achieve.

2. don't choose result-oriented goals; choose activity-oriented goals. for example, rather than "lose ten pounds," choose something like "eat fresh fruits and vegetables every day." see what i'm saying? positive actions rather than just end result!

3. choose goals that are personal, that you believe will truly make your life richer just by doing them! they can be daily, weekly or one-time experiences.

4. choose a reward for every goal as you achieve it! it can be a small or large reward.

ok, so my four are:

1. drink a pitcher of water every day.
2. get outside － a half-hour or more five days a week.
3. do yoga － @ home with video or a class, one or more times a week.
4. put creative time on the calendar － & honor it!!

how about you? what are your four simple goals for the rest of 2010?
let's share & cheer & celebrate each others' good intentions & successes!!


image source: isavo.com

cleanliness: next to ... ??

it seems to me my blog posts for july have been rather self-indulgent.
but, hey － it's a blog. self-indulgence is the nature of the beast, yes?

& july is my birthmonth, so i tend toward hyper-reflectiveness [oooo, shiny!],
pondering just where i am, how i am, who i am,
etc.
as another number clicks by.

but, before july is over, i'd like to offer a little insight
into a challenge all of us face at one time or another:

housekeeping.

recently read a whole living article
about making peace with the daily drudge of cleaning.

some thought-provoking thoughts on
taking a different approach to
scrubbing toilets, washing dishes, folding laundry,
[these are a few of my unfavoritest things] etc.

"what if i were able to slow down & treat housework as if it mattered? i'm thinking of that zen proverb: 'before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. after enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.' the idea is that we should find meaning in ordinary tasks, because true clarity is fleeting enough － & when it's over, somebody still has to clean the crisper.

"'there is no meaning in chores. the expectation of meaning is what robs life of greater meaning. ... when we expect things to be more than they are, or when we value them as less than they are, that keeps us at arm's length from our own life,' [author karen maezen] miller says. 'when we're really present in every moment, even when we're vacuuming, we can begin to chip away at the feeling of inadequacy. and little by little, our lives are transformed. ... here's the magic soap,' she says. 'your own attention is what spiritualizes things. attention to the meal you cook, the clothes you wash. attention is love. and that's transformative.'

"i'll never love it, but i can say this: cleaning changes things. so much in life is uncertain － you take vitamins & get sick, love people who disappoint you, pour your heart into a job & lose it at the end of the fiscal year. but if you take a rag to a piece of soap scum, it will go away. from that point of view － the pure continuum of cause & effect － cleaning stops seeming futile."

& begins to seem － dare i type it? － spiritual?


image source: wholeliving.com