hard to do.

when people walk away from you,
let them go.

it doesn't mean that they are bad people.
it just means that their part in your story is over.

~ t.d. jakes ~


yeah, i've had my share of breakups.

romantic ones, oh, sure.
but some significant platonic ones, too.
& overall, i've found the latter much harder.

maybe because i feel once you love someone,
you can almost always, eventually, be friends.
because the love was built upon something to begin with, right?

naturally, there are extremes & exceptions.
people who aren't really who they purport to be
while you're falling in love with them, for example.

but in your garden-variety romances —
which seem to be mostly the sort i've had —
i've found my theory holds up fairly well.

of course, with friends —
"just" friends, platonic friends, girlfriends —
you can't break up & still be friends. duh.

of course, it's unusual for friends to experience
an actual breakup — a moment or conversation in which
someone actually recognizes the relationship
no longer works for them & walks away from it.

much more often, it's simply a series of
invitation regrets, unreturned calls, unreplied-to e-messages.

because breaking up is hard to do. from both sides.

i've had a handful of women i considered dear friends
break-up-without-actually-breaking-up with me.
& i think it's that amorphous drift —
without explanation, without definition, without clarity —
that makes it particularly difficult for me.

it's the not knowing —
what i might have done or not done,
what i might have been or not been —
that gets me.

that brings these women to mind again & again.
often not for months or even years,
but inevitably, a reminder triggers thoughts of them
& musings over just what the hell happened.

& once again, i must override my self-centered insecurities [redundant?]
by listening to my sweet wise woman self —

i simply was no longer the person
who could give them what they need or
they were no longer the person
who could provide what i need
in someone we call "friend."

still, for a while, they contributed greatly to my life,
in myriad ways — in beauty, in laughter, in support.
so regardless of why we're no longer friends,
i'm still grateful for our time together,
for the part they played in my story.

i wish them well. i wish them happiness.
i wish them health. i wish them ease.

& i still hold a spot for them in my heart.


image source: pinterest.com.

a day ago.

i was adopted basically at birth.
i didn't know my birthmom until i was 25,
when she & my birthdad found me.

i had her in my life for only fifteen years.
she died abruptly three years ago
when she fell in her kitchen,
hitting her head on the tile floor.
she died of traumatic brain injury within three days.

she was extraordinary,
& not one day goes by i don't wish
that she were still here or
that i had made more of our time together.

i especially loved
her boundless generosity,
her amazing thoughtfulness
& her smokey laugh.

i used to be careful
to celebrate birthmother's day with her
[the saturday prior to mother's day sunday],
as actual mother's day belonged
to my real mom who brought me up.

i regret that now.

i regret it because
it is not a competition,
more family just means more love,
& both of these wonderful women
made huge sacrifices to help me become
who i am today.

so this mother's day,
along with honoring my real mom
with gifts & cards & calls,

i honored my birthmom
in my heart [& now, on this blog]
for everything she gave me.


love & miss you
yesterday, today & every day,
nana pat.


image source: big girl & nana pat, circa 2000, as photographed by me.

binge bloggin'.

hello, dear readers.
i've missed you, & i hope you've missed me.

has it really be two full weeks since my latest post?
golly. my apologies.

the truth is, my life is full.
& rather than letting it's fullness
overwhem me & flatten me underneath it,
i've [at last!] been feeling up to
turning my face toward it,
rising to welcome it, &
basking beneath its glow.

because a full life is a good thing.
mostly.

but my bloggy baby has been rather neglected.
[in a full life, i'm realizing, something is ever neglected.
the key is to make sure it's not the real stuff of life,
like your health, your spirit, your relationships.]

so i've carved out a little slice of time
to catch up on my blog backlog.

my backblog.

i hope you can spare a little slice of time to catch up with me.

spring [at last!] is upon us, dear readers －
let us sit together & let the sunshine wash over us.

bikini & yogurt. forgiveness & peace.

i'm thinking this morning of
carrie fisher & jamie lee curtis.

yes, princess leia & the activia woman.

both actresses of a certain era
who have lost their famous fathers
within the past week.

carrie fisher's dad was eddie fisher,
a popular singer from the fifties,
probably most famous for his 1959 dumping of
carrie's mom, girl-next-door debbie reynolds,
for va-va-voom-vixen elizabeth taylor
[he was husband #4 of taylor's 8].
he died last week @ 82.

jamie lee curtis' dad was tony curtis,
a popular actor from the same timeframe,
possibly most famous for the cross-dressing role he played
opposite marilyn monroe in 1959's "some like it hot."
he allegedly once said smooching with monroe was like "kissing hitler."
really?? this from a boy born with the name bernard schwartz. hmmm.
he died yesterday @ 85.

both actress-daughters had difficult relationships with their dads.
both dads were unfaithful to their girls' moms.
both father-daughter pairs worked it out in the end.

& so i'm thinking of these celebrity women today
as they grieve their famous, flawed fathers.
& wishing them the same sort of peace their forgiveness
no doubt gave their dads.


image sources: somosfuga@photobucket.com, purepeople.com