lupita!!

this week, people magazine made oscar-winning actress
lupita nyong'o the cover girl for its annual 50 most beautiful issue.

she may not be the first person of color to hold this particular honor,
but she's definitely the first person of this particular color.

"what is fundamentally beautiful is compassion for yourself & for those around you,”
nyong'o said early this year. "that kind of beauty enflames the heart and enchants the soul.

“i hope my presence on your screens & in the magazines may lead you, young girl,
on a similar journey [as mine], that you will feel the validation of your external beauty,
but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside.
there is no shade to that beauty."

i hope ms. nyong'o knows it is not only young girls of dark beauty
whom she inspires. this middle-age white mama is moved by her, too.

unequal pay = cray cray.

today, two days beyond [un]equal pay day, musician pharrell williams of "happy" fame
sat with one of my personal heroes, ellen degeneres, & talked about
why he named his latest album "G I R L".

the predictable reason? he likes women. well, duh.
the not-as-expected reason? he's fed up with gender inequality.

"still to this day, what is it – like 73 cents to a man’s dollar?
what is that?
the last i heard, the whole reason this entire species can come into existence
is through the portal of a woman’s body."

ok, who loves pharrell? mmhmm – raise those hands up high, ladies.

seriously, it's 2014. are we really still debating
the appropriateness of equal pay for equal work?

yes. yes, we are.

because these, ladies & gentlemen – & especially the gentlemen:
heads up, please – are the facts:

:: women must work about 60 extra days to earn
as much as men did by the previous year's end.

:: the pay gap – women's 77 cents to every man's dollar – hasn't improved since 2002.

:: at our current pace of progress, we can expect pay equity around 2058.

:: the average american woman loses $431,000 over the course
of her career due to the pay gap.

:: the u.s. is ranked #23 globally in terms of gender equality
[which includes pay equity]. burundi is #22.

:: thanks to u.s. senate republicans, the paycheck fairness act is still not law.

as president obama says in response to those who claim pay equity is a "non-issue,"
"it's not a myth. it's math."

& it's not a women's issue, either. it's an issue about the american family.
because how many working women are working mothers, their paychecks going
to help house, feed, clothe, keep healthy, educate & otherwise support their children,
who, incidentally, will be the future of our country? most of them.

again, the inspirational president of these united states:

"the time has passed for us to recognize that
what determines success should not be our gender,
but rather our talent, our drive & the strength of our contributions.
so, today, let us breathe new life into our founding ideals.
let us march toward a day when, in the land of liberty & opportunity,
there are no limits on our daughters' dreams &
no glass ceilings on the value of their work."

amen, mr. president. you & pharrell go get 'em.


p.s. my new mantra: my body is a portal of life.

love s'more.

last month, honey maid began airing an awesome commercial celebrating
the diversity of families, the blessed blindness of love & what wholesome really means.

haters hated, like they do.

honey maid responded with perfection.
authentic, beautiful, creative, meaningful perfection.

just watch – while i go add "honey maid graham crackers" to my weekly shopping list.

happy birthday, ms.

happy happy birthday to my fellow feminist + writer, ms. gloria steinem.

she turns 80yo today, & i must say, if this is what being an octogenarian
looks like, then i'm happy to be over halfway there!

she is spending her birthday riding elephants in botswana.
seriously – isn't that how we all want to spend our 80th?

inspirational as ever, ms. s.
cheers to you – keep on keepin' on!

"the truth will set you free,
but first it will piss you off."

"i have yet to hear a man ask for advice
on how to combine marriage and a career."

"writing is the only thing that, when i do it,
i don't feel i should be doing something else."

"like art, revolutions come from
combining what exists into
what has never existed before."

"we've begun to raise daughters more like sons;
but few have the courage to raise our sons
more like our daughters."

"i'm keeping my torch, thank you –
& i am using it to light the torches of others."

"the future depends entirely on
what each of us does every day;
a movement is only people moving.
to feel its warmth and motion around us
is the end as well as the means."

"a feminist is anyone who recognizes
the equality and full humanity
of women and men."

what's your story?

spoiler alert: i love oprah.

ok, i know you knew that.
but the fact is, she inspires me.

she makes me think. she makes me feel.
she truly gives me those epiphanic aha! moments
all. the. time.
she shifts my perspective.
she moves my spirit.
she taps into my heart-center.
she lifts me to higher ground.

so, i keep on watching own,
keep on listening to oprah radio,
keep on reading o magazine,
keep on clicking around oprah.com.

& i keep on learning. about me.

all of which i mention because
this post is about my latest aha!
provided courtesy of ms. o.

i'm not religious, i disagree with him a lot,
& i can barely tolerate his southern charismatic
preacher persona, accent & barbie wife.
but watching joel osteen & oprah talk about his
"i am" sermon & book, i declare, struck a genuine chord with me.

if you read this blog regularly [as regularly as i write it, anyhow],
then you understand that during the past year or two,
i've been struggling more & succeeding less than i'm used to.
i've been struggling with money & work, weight & hormones,
with my devolving relationship with my aging parents.

& while i'm a natural optimist, & i believe the struggles
aren't forever, they're just for now, & they will get better,
i also find myself, from time to time, blaming, shaming &
doomsday dialoguing with

myself.

why do i make the same sort of mistakes again & again?
how will i ever climb out of the giant hole i've gotten myself into?
why don't i show greater self-control? why don't i learn? why don't i change?
what am i, stupid? a strident inner voice shrieks.

& often, the answer comes back, quiet & dispirited: yes.

i beat myself up. i beat myself down.
& yet, i expect whatever the situation is to improve.

here are some of the notes i wrote down from
oprah's i am: life is how you see it lifeclass with joel osteen:

:: whatever follows 'i am' is going to come looking for you.

:: you become what you believe.

:: whatever you feed will grow.

:: your words become your destiny.

:: don't say the negative words out loud; don't give them life.

:: change the recording in your mind.

:: you have the power to become the hero of your own life.

:: you have a purpose; as long as you have breath, you have what someone else needs.

:: be confident in who god made you to be.

:: nobody can be better at being you than you.

:: bring honor to god by being passionate about who you are.

:: be who god made you to be. you don't need other people's approval.
be you — be gratefully, joyfully, fully full-on you. & god will smile.

as another inspiration & oprah-phile, dr. brene brown, notes,
authenticity is a practice. it's a thousand everyday choices, every. day.

& it begins with your thoughts, the story you're telling yourself.

if you don't like the story you're telling yourself [or others]
about you & your life, if your story isn't working for you,
then CHANGE IT.

choose a new & improved story.
& whenever the old recording begins looping in your mind,
press 'stop.' & put on your new story.

it begins with "i am ... ."

i am blessed.
i am living in abundance.
i am healthy.
i am fit.
i am strong.
i am solid.
i am secure.
i am a thoughtful spender.
i am a mindful saver.
i am taking care of myself.
i am beautiful.
i am calm.
i am confident.
i am creative.
i am productive.
i am energized.
i am flowing.
i am shining.
i am worthy.
i am lovable.
i am a child of god.
i am grateful.
i am joyful.
i am in peace.
i am in power.

i am not just enough . . .
i am plenty.

& i am passionately ME.


so, what's your story?

secret no more.

a week ago, an infamously thick glass ceiling was shattered
with president obama's selection of veteran agent julia pierson
as director of the u.s. secret service.

pierson is the agency's 23rd director & its first woman leader.
the key responsibilities of the secret service are protecting the president,
& investigating counterfeiting & fraud.

a native of orlando, pierson was an explorer with
the boy [yes, boy] scouts of america,
in a post chartered by the orlando police department
specializing in law enforcement.

she earned her degree in criminal justice
at the university of central florida,
& became one of the first women to serve
as an opd patrol officer.

pierson joined the u.s. secret service in 1983 as a special agent
& has steadily climbed the ranks of the agency,
serving on the presidential protective details of
both presidents bush, as well as president bill clinton.

since 2008, she has served as the secret service's chief of staff &
assistant director of the office of human resources & training —
already the agency's highest-ranking woman.

president obama chose pierson as the woman for the job
following criticism that his second-term picks for high-level posts
have not been diverse enough, & criticism that the secret service's
notoriously male-dominant culture has gotten out of hand.

a year ago, the agency's reputation was sullied when
several secret-service agents took prostitutes to their hotel rooms
during preparation for the president's visit to cartagena, colombia.
in all, 13 agents & officers were caught up in the scandal.

pierson — who as a high-schooler worked at disney world
as a parking & watercraft attendant, as well as in costume
in park parades — is now tasked with turning
her agency's fratboy image around.

it's no secret that this woman — whom her colleagues call
smart, experienced & even-keeled — is up for the job.


image source: www.heavy.com.

hey, pope francis . . .

i'm not catholic [thank god].

but i love the concept of patron saints,
good guys [+ gals!] turned super-specific guardian angels,
available at a prayer's notice to help a believer out
with anything from girl scouts to lumbago.

lately, my work flow has been awfully, painfully s . l . o . w.
like, leech-like-money-bleed slow.
& candidly, i'm just about drained dry.

so, today i'm calling upon a sainted trifecta:
nicholas [patron saint of money problems];
cajetan [patron saint of job seekers]; &
john the baptist [patron saint of prosperity],
to send mama some good money-making opportunity.

& while i wait for my prayers to be answered,
i'll send up one more prayer, one of gratitude
that i don't live in one of the ten worst-paying u.s. cities for women.

for the past five years, the u.s. pay gap has remained
essentially unchanged: women earn not quite 79% of what men earn on average,
which comes out to an annual difference of about $10,000 less.

based upon a review of america's 100 most populous metro areas,
24/7 wall st. has identified the top ten worst-paying cities for women.

24/7 wall st. compared the median earnings for the past 12 months
of both men & women working full-time, year-round in the country's
100 largest metropolitan statistical areas, based on u.s. census bureau data.

& i'm seriously relieved to reveal texas has no cities in the top bottom ten.
can i get a yeehaw, y'all?!?

the winner biggest loser [spoiler alert!] was provo-orem, utah,
where being a homeschooling mom apparently pays better than professional employment.
women there earn not quite 62% of what men earn,
which calculates to just about $20k less a year.

*sigh.*

here's the rest of the list of cities not to go to for a self-value lift, ladies:

2. ogden-clearfield, utah [women earn 65 cents for each dollar men earn]
3. lancaster, pennsylvania [almost 69 cents]
4. baton rouge, louisiana [69 cents]
5. palm bay-melbourne-titusville, florida [almost 70 cents]
6. colorado springs, colorado [70.5 cents]
7. wichita, kansas [almost 72 cents]
8. bridgeport-stamford, connecticut [72 cents]
9. tulsa, oklahoma [almost 73 cents]
10. seattle-tacoma-bellevue, washington [73 cents]

& again, i'm pleasantly puzzled by the scarcity of southern states represented here.

now i'm wondering how "we" get a patron saint of women's rights named? hmmmm . . .


image source: mary's prayers @ etsy.com.

vawa-lleluia.

american women need no longer wait to exhale.

the violence against women act [vawa] has finally been approved by congress
& is off to the president for his stamp of approval.

first passed in 1994
& readily renewed in 200 & 2005,
congress has failed to reauthorize the law
since it expired in october 2011.

so, following 500 days of delay,
the u.s. house of representatives finally voted 286 to 138
to pass the bipartisan senate version of the bill.
all house democrats & 87 house republicans voted 'yea.'

the approving vote immediately followed a rejecting vote
by the house of its own republican version of the measure.
the house bill was voted down 166 to 257,
with no democrats & 60 republicans voting 'nay.'

which is a good thing.

because the proposed house bill would have
stripped protections for lgbt survivors of abuse,
not granted tribal courts new authority in some domestic violence cases,
& added new visa eligibility restrictions for abused immigrant women.

it also omitted two separate measures attached to the act: the safer act,
which helps law enforcement deal with a backlog of untested rape kits;
& the trafficking victims protection reauthorization act,
which targets human trafficking.

now, vawa will be reauthorized for another five years,
& $659 million will be provided for programs related to domestic violence.

president obama said he'll sign vawa back into law as soon as possible:
"today's vote will go even further by
continuing to reduce domestic violence,
improving how we treat victims of rape,
& extending protections to native american women &
members of the lgbt community."

amen, brother — & sisters. amen!


image source: inquisitr.com.

boy-girl parties & tea-party parents.

i honestly didn't expect it,
but middle-age is hitting me kind of hard.

since turning 45yo last summer,
i've begun both peri-menopause & antidepressants,
i'm preparing for my oldest to begin high school [whaaaaaaaaaaaaa???],
& now, my youngest is ending his single-digit years.

yep. big boy's turning ten.

it's bringing me down, man. bumming me out, dude.
making me nostalgic, somewhat melancholy & a little weepy.
& i don't think it's the hormones. this time.

i am sad about the looming finiteness of our four-family togetherness.
i am sad about the loss of actual children around our house.
i'm worried about what the tween/teen years hold for both of our kids.

& i am sad about the growing gap between me & my parents.

how are these things related, as it were?

well, our boy is special. every child is special, of course,
but our boy likes girl stuff. always has. & always will, i reckon.

he prefers imaginative play over physical play.
he befriends mostly girls, & all of his very best friends have been girls.
he prefers girl characters, girl names, & toys & books marketed for girls.
& all of this has been true since he was a toddler.

at this point, we don't know what this means for his identity.
it might mean he's gay. it might mean he's transgender.
it might mean he's a straight boy who likes girl stuff.

but in our current culture, one thing it will surely mean is
he's going to get shit because of it. maybe a little, maybe a whole goddamn lot,
but he will be questioned & mocked & probably humiliated
& hurt emotionally & maybe even physically because of it.

so, as his mama, my mantra is: this house, this family must always be
where he can come & be utterly himself & be wholly accepted
& completely loved. period. no qualifications. no ifs, ands, buts, etc.

so, we threw him a dora-themed birthday party
when he turned three & again when he turned four.
we bought him the ariel nightgown he loved so much at disney world.
we sent him to fashion camp the past two summers.

we also get him plenty of building toys & puzzles &
animal-themed things, because he likes them, too.
we facilitate playdates with his close friends, boys & girls alike.
we talk about how different people like different things,
& how that's ok, because everybody's different.

last year, we threw him a monster high-themed birthday
party, & we're doing it again this year.
but in our family, ten is the magical age at which
you're permitted to have a slumber party.
so naturally, he wants to have one.

with five of his very best friends. who all happen to be girls.

he has been talking about it excitedly since october.
& i've been fretting about it slightly since october.

i fretted about the appropriateness of a 9-10yo boy-girl sleepover.
but then i realized that was my conservative upbringing talking,
that i knew there was exactly 0% inappropriate about our boy
& his girl friends & their feelings/intentions toward each other.

so then i fretted nobody would show, no other parents would
permit their girls to come for fear of inappropriateness.
& i fretted about the heartbreaking disappointment our boy
would experience if that happened.

but i can't control how other people parent their children,
only how i choose to parent mine.

so i sent an invitation via email to the moms
of the five girls. & toward the bottom, i noted
that ours will be the only boy at the party,
that the kids will be sleeping in an open playroom
next to our master bedroom, & that parental eyes & ears
will be alert to them at all times.

& all five moms have rsvp'd with an enthusiastic yes!
[one girl might not spend the night, as she's wary of sleeping away from home,
but she's coming to the evening portion of the party.]

no questions, no concerns, no worries.
because they know us, & more importantly, they know our son,
& their daughters love him, so they do, too.

my mother, on the other hand, was appalled
we're hosting such a mixed-company soiree.
not that i really expected a different reaction.
hoped for, maybe, but not expected.

these are the same grandparents who won't give him
the gifts he wants most for christmas or birthdays
if they're marketed for girls. i must identify
clearly gender-neutral items for them to buy.

they are the same grandparents who think
homosexuality is a choice made against god &
who actively oppose equal rights for the lgbt community.

& they are the same grandparents who believe
our children are already going to hell because
we didn't have them baptized in the church.

none of which is to imply they don't love our kids.
they act extremely lovingly toward them,
they're generous & kind & playful,
& the kids love spending time with them.

& from their perspective, i'm sure their negative judgment
of our parenting choices comes from a place of love,
of wanting what's best for teen girl & big boy . . .
& of not feeling what we're doing is that.

hence, the growing gap between us.

when you're making choices as a mom, & you had good parents yourself,
it's only natural to go to them for their thoughts,
to talk situations through with them, & gather their
experience & wisdom as you weigh your options.

more & more, i feel like i can't do that with my parents.

likewise, it's only natural to want their thumbs-up,
their good-parenting seal of approval
on the choices you make as a mom, especially the hard ones,
to let you know they're behind you & believe in you as a good mom.

more & more, i feel like i won't get that from them.

what they don't understand is that their disapproval won't deter me
from doing what i know in my mama-heart is right for my children.
all it does is make me not want to share it with them.

& that makes me sad.

the last thing i want during their final years [dad's 80yo; mom's 79yo]
is for us to grow further apart, rather than closer together.

i've got a friend who wonders why i tell them about stuff
they're sure to react negatively to? just don't say anything, she advises.

but if i can't be who i am & my son can't be who he is
in order to keep the peace, as it were,
then that makes me sad, too. & inauthentic, which is
the exact opposite of what i want to model for my son.

& there's the aha moment, the lesson i'm learning from my sweet boy daily:

how to keep giving him unconditional love, acceptance & support
as i struggle with not getting the same from my parents
now that i've been brave enough to show them who i really am.

an open-hearted, open-minded, unapologetic yellow-dog-liberal feminist,
working to become my best self, to choose love over fear, to nurture connection,
who believes we are all children of god & should treat each other as such.

& who will do whatever's necessary to make sure my children have
whatever they need from me to realize their potential & fulfill their purpose,
as that is definitely part of mine.

period. no qualifications. end of story.



image source: me & big boy, ca. 2003.

one million hearts.

tomorrow is valentine's day.
it's also the two-month anniversary of the tragic shooting /
mass murder at connecticut's sandy hook elementary.

a group called sandy hook promise
wants all americans to keep the community of newtown
on our minds & in our hearts.

& to let them know we've got them
by sending them one million hearts,
via sharing a valentine ala interwebs.

click here to choose & share your heart with newtown now.

sandy hook promise is a nonprofit organization
created by newtown community members
in response to the senseless gunning down of
20 children, 4 classroom teachers & 2 school administrators.

the group's mission is to support the victims' families, the survivors,
first responders, school teachers & staff, & the whole community of newtown
by providing financial & service support & help however possible,
for as long as it takes for each individual to heal.

"we are committed to making newtown be remembered
as the place where we came together, both as a community & as a nation,
& decided we must do everything we can to prevent
tragedies like this from happening again."

you can help by signing the sandy hook promise here:

i promise to honor the 26 lives lost at sandy hook elementary school,
& do everything i can to encourage & support commonsense solutions
that make our community & country safer from similar acts of violence.

& liking the sandy hook promise facebook page here.

but if nothing else, then please, just share a heart today.
let them know our hearts are still with them.


image source: share 1million hearts.

malala goes on.

last october, a taliban terrorist
boarded 15yo malala yousafzai's pakistani schoolbus
& shot her in the head
because she spoke publicly about
the right of all children — girls
included — to an education.

malala survived.

& now, she is following through with
her project to create an organization
to get girls worldwide out of domestic labor & into school.

the malala fund has been established
on behalf of malala & her family, &
is working together with supporters —
including the united nations foundation —
to realize malala's vision of education & empowerment
for all girls everywhere.

here's malala her own amazing self, talking about it:



the first grant of the malala fund will provide
a safe educational space for pakistani girls,
resources for a positive learning environment
& an incentive program for families.
following a needs evaluation & final design,
the project is expected to be up & running this spring.

malala survives, she thrives & she continues to give.
you want to give like malala? no gunshot headwound necessary.
just click here.


image source: the malala fund.

i am grateful.

lately, i find myself quite literally surrounded
by reminders of how my life,
despite its difficult challenges of late,
is essentially good & wonderfully worthy of abundant gratitude.

kitty-corner from us, we've got a dear neighbor
whose husband was killed while jogging last summer
by a hit-&-run driver, at the entrance to our neighborhood.
she's now a single mom raising their two young children
while dealing with overwhelming grief, & driving past the spot
where her beloved husband was mowed down several times a day.

our dear next-door neighbor struggled mightily with her mortgage
until she had no choice but to let the bank take over her home.
she spent the past six weeks selling off all of her worldly goods
& letting her house go to hell. she's now living in an rv in the next town over.

i've got another friend whose husband was just laid off
along with several hundred of his colleagues. he was given minimal severance,
& both he & his wife are now in their mid-50s & in search of work.

so despite the fact that we're in rather deep debt,
that we're scrabbling for cash flow,
that i've been battling bronchitis for weeks &
little boy's got walking pneumonia,

i'm grateful. so, so grateful.

i am grateful . . .

:: we're all still here together.

:: we're living in our dream house in a great neighborhood.

:: we've got three healthy, hilarious dogs to entertain & comfort us.

:: my work is picking up just in time for the holidays.

:: i've been successfully freelancing for ten years.

:: my dad just turned 80yo, & both he & my mom are doing wonderfully.

:: my cousin is cancer-free.

:: we've got great health insurance.

:: i'm feeling good emotionally.

:: autumn has finally arrived.

:: the election is over.

:: obama is still our president.

:: i'm about to spend a weekend reconnecting with my oldest friend.

:: teen girl's revamped room is spectacular.

:: teen girl still tells me she loves me, cursorily but daily.

:: christmas is coming.

:: i'll be handmaking many gifts.

:: i lovelovelove my happy green honda element.

:: for the everyday moments i see that make me smile,
make me laugh, lift my spirit ever higher.

'tis the season for thankfulness, y'all.
so, what are you thankful for today? do share.


image source: wish i remembered; sorry!!

american woman proud.

oh, what a night . . .
what a ladies' night!!

last night, american women — voters & candidates alike —
kicked some serious patriotic ass, & yes, gentlemen — we took names.

on election day 2012:

:: women made up about 54% of the electorate.

:: 55% of women voted for barack obama. 44% of women voted for mitt romney.

:: the total gender gap added up to 18% in president obama's favor —
an expansion of over 30% since his 2008 election.

:: the 113th u.s. congress will include 20 women senators,
the most ever in u.s. history [we're currently at 17].

:: 5 new women senators were elected — 4 democrats + 1 republican —
while all 6 democratic women incumbents were re-elected.

:: a record number of women candidates ran for both
the u.s. senate & the u.s. house of representatives.

:: in massachusetts, democrat elizabeth warren became her state's
first woman u.s. senator, winning over incumbent republican scott brown
in the most expensive senate race nationwide — at more than $70 million.

:: in new hampshire, the first-ever all-women delegation was elected —
their 2 women u.s. senators [1 dem, 1 rep] will be joined by
2 democratic women congressional representatives, as well as
governor maggie hassan, who will be the only woman democratic governor in 2013.

:: in missouri, democratic senator claire mccaskill won re-election
against republican representative todd akin, who infamously said
pregnancy rarely results from a "legitimate" rape.

:: in indiana, democratic representative joe donnelly won a senate seat
against republican richard mourdock, who infamously called
pregnancy resulting from rape "something god intended to happen."

:: in nebraska, republican deb fischer became her state's
first full-term woman u.s senator, winning over democrat bob kerrey.

:: in wisconsin, democratic representative tammy baldwin became our country's
first openly gay senator & her state's first woman u.s. senator,
winning over republican former governor tommy thompson. her house seat goes to
assemblyman mark pocan, also an openly gay democrat.

:: in hawai'i, democrat mazie hirono became our country's
first asian-american woman u.s. senator, winning over
republican former governor linda lingle.

:: also in hawai'i, democrat tulsi gabbard became our country's
first practicing hindu ever elected to the u.s. house, winning over
republican kawika crowley. gabbard intends to take her oath of office next january over
a bhagavad gita, a sacred text for followers of the vaishnava branch of hindu.

image source: women for obama.

#govote.

image source: http://govotenov6.tumblr.com.

on feeling like an #epicfail.

so. normally, i try to post — both on my blog & on my facebook page —
mostly uplifting, positive stuff. because i believe the energy
you put out into the universe is the energy the universe sends back at you.

so i try to be a tigger rather than an eyeore.
i try to illustrate the half-fullness of the glass.
i try to put on a happy face.

because i want to be a happy, energetic person who sees the bright side of life
& brings a smile to others' faces wherever she goes, on- or offline.

& much of the time, i am that person.

but this summer, that person disappeared. i lost her, & it scared me.

she had been gradually fading for a while.

the past year or so has been really challenging for us as a family.
changes with my husband's career have meant tougher times re: money.
changes with our daughter — who is 13yo, need i say more? —
have meant tougher times re: parenting.
changes with my physiology — i am 45yo, need i say more? —
have meant tougher times all-around.

by this summer, i felt like i was failing.
failing as a mother. failing as a wife.
failing as a money-maker. failing as a money-manager.
failing as the glue that holds our family together.
failing at my to-do list. failing at my self-care.
failing at making anybody happy, especially myself.

& i felt like it was all on me & only me.
i felt loaded up with unfulfilled responsibilities
& weighed down by unmet expectations — many of them my own.

i was furiously treading water, but i. was. sinking.

but rather than shouting out for help, i isolated myself.
i didn't pick up phone calls or initiate get-togethers or
offer an explanation of why i was sobbing in the closet,
because i didn't want anyone to know i was going under.
i didn't reach out to my sweet husband, my first family or my dear friends,
because if i admitted needing help, then i was failing yet again. failing, squared.

my midsummer birthday, which i typically tout the whole month of july,
i downplayed, forbidding my husband from following through with his intent
to buy me a bicycle; too much money, i insisted.
my promise of a girls' night karaoke party to celebrate my 45th went unkept.

i grew crabbier & weepier with every daily task i couldn't complete,
with every work project i couldn't move forward,
with every cup left on the counter, every sock not in the hamper,
every traffic infraction committed anywhere close to me,
every ringing phone or buzzing text, every question, every meh answer,
every whine from anyone, including dogs.

by the beginning of august,
i was having occasional nighttime heart palpitations
& whole days where i literally could not stop crying.

& thank god for those days, for it was on one of them that i finally realized
i wasn't treading anymore. i was under.
i was fully submerged, with saltwater filling my lungs.
& it wasn't because i didn't try hard enough or stopped struggling;
it was because i had stones tied to my ankles — stones of
midlife stressors & midlife hormones & midlife, period.

stones i couldn't possibly untie on my own while i was still trying to keep swimming.

i sobbed uncontrollably as i wrote a lengthy email to my friend & obgyn,
confessing my suspicions that i was suffering from some fairly serious
depression/anxiety, outlining my symptoms & what i had tried on my own,
& rather urgently requesting her recommendation for what i should do ...

it's taken a whole lot for me to come to this conclusion —
that i need some sort of interventional help — being the
type A control freak superwoman with a plan of action
to fix just about anything sort of girl i am.
but i am miserable on the inside, & i am miserable to live with on the outside.
i'm just not myself, no matter how i try to get back to her.

i wrote that to my doctor friend. i cc'd my husband.

& i felt better. not all better, of course, but noticeably better, just typing the words.
just typing "i need help" & hitting the send button released a stone or two,
& buoyed me up, lifted me a little closer to the light & the air i'd been lacking.

which immediately & clearly revealed the ugly reality that
some of the stones were definitely my own, tied by me around my own ankles.
stones like superwoman & have it all & do it all & be it all,
& the biggest, heaviest stone of all, less than perfect = failure.

the ugly truth of the matter is that while i talk the talk of good is good enough,
& i'm happy to encourage & support other women in walking that walk,
down deep, underneath, i hold myself to a very different standard.
a standard so high that it has the ironic effect of dragging me way down. under.

so my doctor friend recommended an antidepressant & referred me to a cardiologist.
& six weeks later, the cardiologist has judged my heart to be perfectly healthy
[palpitations likely caused by a cocktail of stress & hormones],
& i'm pleased to report my heart feels happy again, with the rediscovery of me.

thanks to a winning combination of my vulnerability + bravery,
my friend's responsiveness + comfort, & a low daily dose of zoloft,
i'm once again swimming forward — with gratitude for grace & a deliberately slower pace,
so i can soak up the warmth of the sunshine & smell of the seabreeze with every stroke.


image source: marleymoo.tumblr.com.

pay it forward.

the president & first lady observe a moment of silence at the white house
on the occasion of the 11th anniversary of 9.11.

well, i'm almost done with my XXX olympiad posts,
as i imagine many of you must be.
but there were so, so many fascinating stories
of strength & courage & gumption & passion & beauty & heart . . .

& i've got just a handful more i intend to add.
but today, i'm taking a break to write about pay it forward 9/11.

i've blogged about this movement before —
begun by my a colleague from college, kevin tuerff,
it's about honoring this occasion by doing unexpected kindnesses for strangers.

it's about remembering the lives sacrificed in a positive way, &
proving good can & will flourish in the face of evil.

at kevin's agency, enviromedia, here in austin,
the staff splits into small teams, & the company gives each team
$100 & the morning of 9.11 off to go out into the community
& use their benjamin to do good for unsuspecting others.

i got to be part of this meaningful tradition once
while i was working part-time at enviromedia, & found it to be
such an all-around lifting day-brightener that i try to participate
as a solo team of one each year.

so this morning, i did five good deeds. i spent only about $25,
& while some of my good deeds were for strangers, some were for friends & neighbors.
all were definitely unexpected.

my favorite thing was baking about four dozen chocolate-chip cookies,
& offering them to almost everyone i encountered for the rest of the day.

i gave cookies to the people working the drive-thru, a street sweeper
guy parked at the gas station, a school bus driver, many of our neighbor
kids & their grownups walking home from school, the middle-school nurse,
a homeless gentleman on the corner, several elderly people in an elevator,
my chiropractor's officemate & my therapist, among others.

whenever someone asked me why i was giving away free homemade cookies today,
i simply answered, "i'm just trying to make 9.11 a happier day for everyone."
& it worked — i was gifted with smile upon smile all day long.

it's wonderful what a little cookie & connection can do.


image source: jason reed for reuters.

i'm not afraid.

louisa may alcott.
wise woman writer.

image source: going places 2 @ etsy.com.

nora @ wellesley.

nora ephron graduated from wellesley college in 1962.
in 1996, she was invited to address her alma mater's
exiting graduates with a commencement speech.

the speech — wise, witty, consummate nora —
contains a couple of pieces which has been broadly quoted.
but, not surprisingly, much more of it is infinitely quotable.

inspirational.
amazing.
just like nora.

here are my favorite pieces:

"don't underestimate how much antagonism there is toward women
& how many people wish we could turn the clock back.
one of the things people always say to you if you get upset is,
don't take it personally,
but listen hard to what's going on, & please, i beg you,
take it personally.

understand:
every attack on hillary clinton for not knowing her place
is an attack on you.
underneath almost all those attacks are words:
get back, get back to where you once belonged.
when elizabeth dole pretends she isn't serious about her career,
it is an attack on you.
the acquittal of o.j. simpson is an attack on you.
any move to limit abortion rights is an attack on you —
whether or not you believe in abortion.
the fact that clarence thomas is sitting on the supreme court today
is an attack on you.

above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim."

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

" ... in case any of you are wondering,
of course you can have it all.
what are you going to do? everything, is my guess.
it will be a little messy, but embrace the mess.
it will be complicated, but rejoice in the complications.
it will not be anything like what you think it will be like,
but surprises are good for you.
& don't be frightened: you can always change your mind.

you are not going to be you, fixed & immutable you, forever.

one of the most delicious things available to women,
& more particularly to women than to men, i think:
it's slightly easier for us to shift, to change our minds,
to take another path.
yogi berra, the former new york yankee who made a specialty
of saying things that were famously maladroit, quoted himself
at a recent commencement speech he gave:
'when you see a fork in the road,' he said, 'take it.'

yes, it's supposed to be a joke, but this is the life
many women lead: two paths diverge in a wood,
& we get to take them both.

whatever you choose, however many roads you travel,
i hope you choose not to be a lady.
i hope you will find some way to break the rules
& make a little trouble out there.
& i also hope you will choose to make some of that trouble
on behalf of women."


image source: yahoo!

equal pay day.

just like tax day, it comes around each year,
& is always a little depressing.
equal pay day.

49 years ago, president john f. kennedy signed
the equal pay act of 1963.
today, women still must work until mid-april of this year
in order to earn what the average american male earned last year.
yep — today's the day we catch up with where the men were january 1st.

according to the latest u.s. census stats,
full-time working women earn 77 cents for every dollar earned by men.
& naturally, the gap is wider for women of color.

*heavy. sigh.*

ok. so, the better-than-nothing news is,
president obama has flagged equal pay as a priority.
in fact, in his 2012 state of the union address, the president said,
" ... an economy built to last is one where we encourage
the talent & ingenuity of every person in this country.
that means women should earn equal pay for equal work."

so, what is the president doing to walk that talk?

1) he created the equal pay task force.
since its creation two years ago, the eptf has helped:

:: increase enforcement actions;

:: increase recovered money for women seeking
their fair share for doing the same work as men;

:: increase outreach to employers & employees alike,
with rewarding results; &

:: make sure the full weight of the federal government
is centered on closing the gender pay gap for good.

2) the department of labor is gathering & distributing good pay-gap info.

:: a solution to the gender pay-gap problem has been difficult
in large part because access to essential information has been limited.
the equal pay app challenge invited software developers to use
publicly available data & resources to create applications that provide
— greater access to pay data, organized by gender, race & ethnicity,
— interactive tools for early career coaching or online mentoring, or
— data to help inform pay negotiations.
the winners of the challenge have been announced, &
soon, anyone with a smartphone, tablet or computer
will be able to easily access the info they need to make sure they're paid fairly.

:: the dol has also just published two new brochures
to educate employees regarding their rights &
to ensure employers understand their obligations
under existing equal-pay laws.

let's hope once more americans know better,
more americans will do better.
until then, tip your waitress an extra 23% today,
in "celebration" of equal pay day.


image source: fringepop.

god says yes.

i asked god if it was okay to be melodramatic
and she said yes
i asked her if it was okay to be short
and she said it sure is
i asked her if i could wear nail polish
or not wear nail polish
and she said honey
she calls me that sometimes
she said you can do just exactly
what you want to
thanks god i said
and is it even okay if i don't paragraph
my letters
sweetcakes god said
who knows where she picked that up
what i'm telling you is
yes yes yes

"god says yes to me" by kaylin haught.
from in the palm of your hand by steve kowit.

image source: lovely sparrow & co. @ etsy.com.