Rihanna & Chris Brown: Rihanna, meet Whitney Houston. She, too, was a beautiful, gifted young rising star. She, too, hooked up with a man named Brown, a man not as talented as she, a man with a subscription full of control issues. She, too, was beaten up and beaten down by the man she loved. She, too, stayed. And stayed. And stayed.
She stayed and adopted his drug addiction, waited for him with open arms at the conclusion of his prison stints, had his child. She let go of her goals and her gifts and her self － physically, mentally, emotionally and, I suspect, spiritually － just so she could stay with him. She became a sad national joke, complete with her own humiliating reality TV freak show, just so she could stay with him. Finally, after 18 years of staying, she left him. Two years later, America still awaits her comeback.
Rihanna, I realize you're only 21, but is this how you want to squander the next two decades － or even the next two months － of your life? Staying with a man (and I use the term loosely) no matter the costs － including your own physical safety and well-being － all in the name of love?
Your staying isn't about you loving him, sister. It's about you not loving yourself. If you're really, really dedicated to staying, then please, get some help for both of you.
"Octo-Mom": Not to mix my metaphorical sea creatures, but hasn't Octo-Mom jumped the shark yet? How desperately ill must this woman become before the media can finally turn its collective head from the womb-wreckage she's procreated (not to mention her cosmetic-surgical facial homage to Angelina)?
Unfortunately, we all know good and well the media won't quit until there's nothing left to cover － she either gets eaten by the shark (Anna Nicole Smith), or squeaks by somehow and hangs up her water skis (Andrea Yates). Whatever happens, let's hope the 14 children she has tethered to her somehow escape the hundreds of flesh-tearing teeth waiting in the water. And in the meantime, can we please alter her newsy nickname so that it's accurate: Tetradeca-Mom??
The Bachelor: OK, I confess to being a DVR-ing addict for this show. Please don't ask me to explain; I can't. But having faithfully watched it ever since fellow Austinite Brad Womack was the designated Bachelor a couple of years ago, I can reveal a hypothesis I've formulated: No matter what sort of good person － no matter how likable, kind, genuine, what have you － you are, being The Bachelor/Bachelorette either makes you a jerk or makes you look like one on TV (still developing that part of the hypothesis). I loved Deanna when Brad The Jerk booted her. I loved Jason when Deanna The Jerk dumped him. And I loved Melissa when Jason The Jerk jilted her on national television in order to pursue the woman he had originally rejected in order to propose to Melissa － did I mention it all happened on national television?
Anyway, I would be relieved that Melissa hasn't been tapped to be the next Bachelorette － so I don't have to watch her turn into a jerk － except for the fact that I spent the whole season up until the finale rooting for Jillian, who has been tapped to be the next Bachelorette. So now I'm destined to watch a perfectly lovely, funny young woman － a Canadian, no less! － turn into a jerk, or at least play one on TV. And yes, I understand not watching is an option, but please don't ask me; I just can't.