friday funny for you.

oh, cody.

wills + kate.

i got up in the middle of the night
almost thirty years ago
to watch diana wed charles.

& i got up in the middle of the night
today
to witness catherine wed william.

lovely occasion.
well worth the lost slumber
to see the boy
who walked behind his mother's casket
so overcome by grief
it was palpable quarter-way around the world
become the man
walking down the aisle with his stunning bride
so overwhelmed with joy.

brilliant.

a tina, tiny prayer for all our daughters.

this week, i'm preparing for big girl's & my
fourth annual kickapoo kamp
mother-daughter weekend. woohoo!

next week, i'll be feeding my family
great gift ideas for my
twelfth annual mother's day. woohoo!

so with all this motherly slash daughterly energy about,
today i must offer the brilliant tina fey's epic
"the mother's prayer for its daughter"
from her new book, bossypants.
[above, tina with daughter alice, circa 2009.]

however bossypanted she may be, it's undeniable:
the woman is a genius.


First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her

When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, dammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short – a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day – And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.


image source: babble.com.

dreamy slash sensible.

"borrowing" a great idea today
from a favorite bloggeress –
mary beth over at salt & chocolate.

she calls them dreamy/practical lists.
but just to avoid litigation,
i'm going to call mine a dreamy|sensible list.
derivative? sure. plagiarism? nope.

anyway, mary beth seems like an awfully sweet person
on her blog, so i'm sure she'll understand
imitation is the truest type of flattery &
she won't mind even a dibble.

so, what is a dreamy|sensible list?
it's a lovely way to create a to-do list
that balances stuff you want to do [fills your cup]
with things you need to do [drains your bucket].

[following my cryptic liquid-transference metaphor yet?]

if you're like me, then your to-do lists tend to
overflow with need-to-do items . . .

daily chores to complete.
household projects to tackle.
work next-steps to take.
emails to send.
calls to make.
appointments to schedule.
errands to run.
items to buy.
bills to pay.
paperwork to deal with.

you know the drill. & this list – the "sensible" list –
is about as delightful as said drill.
it's an abyss of a list, all have-to's & shoulds,
that can wear you down with its
relentlessly self-perpetuating nature.

can i get an amen?

but, if you're like me, almost nothing gets done –
no matter how well-intentioned you may be about doing it –
if it doesn't make the cut onto the to-do list.

& since fun, creative, playful stuff
isn't what we traditionally put onto our to-do lists,
then it rarely, if ever, gets done.

again, an alleluia?

doesn't exactly promote the whole balance concept, does it??

well, hello, dreamy list.

here's the dreamy-list deal:

rather than creating a single list
for the day, week or weekend,
try creating a pair of side-by-side lists,
one sensible, one dreamy.

[being me, i try to include an equal number
of items on each list.]

now, get-er-doners, red pens at the ready . . .
& check off!!

[again, being me, i try to alternate
back & forth between the two lists.]

for example, here's my dreamy|sensible list over last weekend:

dreamy
:: get sno-cones @ bahama freeze.
:: go to the pool.
:: go to the movies, see "rio."
:: easter!
:: austin pets alive! site visit – walk pups @ petsmart.
:: finish letter to big girl in our mother/daughter journal.
:: read magazines/book.

sensible
:: purge playroom.
:: purge playroom.
:: purge playroom [no joke – a HUGE project, definitely three items' worth].
:: do laundry.
:: go to target.
:: update finances on mint.
:: strong week prep [calendar, paperwork, plan].

full disclosure:
i didn't get around to two dreamy items &
didn't complete one sensible item,
but still . . .

a fairly balanced weekend overall.
& it was good.

thank you for the inspiration, mary beth!!


image source: the escapist.

the new wonder [how she'll keep her top up] woman.

now, you know me.

of course i'm not going to let nbc/david e. kelly's
new wonder woman series come around next autumn
without some sort of mention.
i've just been mulling over my feelings about the whole thing.

because, well, you know me.

i can be rather a purist,
especially when it comes to cherished bits of my childhood.

i mean, i never really accepted anyone but farrah
as charlie's blonde angel.
i like cheryl ladd & all. but please.

so i'm a tad torn between my loyalty to lynda carter
[the original television wonder woman]
& my piqued interest in quirk-meister kelly's
spin [pun fully intended] on the amazonian icon.

so while i continue to work through my emotional superheroine baggage,
let's just chat about the costume.

it's been quite the controversy.

because there are real wonder woman purists,
the super-serious-big-bang-theory-dc-comics kind
of diana prince fans,
who are easily outraged & extremely outspoken
whenever someone messes with their sheroes.

so when they nabbed a peek at the new wonder woman's costume
[as modeled by selected lead actress adrianne palicki],

all manners of geek fury let loose.

& i'm with them.

seriously, latex pants?
demi-cup bustier?
& high-heeled blue [the original wore red] boots?

yeah, yeah. we know ginger rogers did everything
fred astaire did, except backwards & in heels,
& how terrific that was & all,
but it was also the 1930s.

how is a girl supposed to fight 21st-century evil using her powers of
super-strength, super-stamina, super-speed & super-agility
while wearing a poured-into-it, cheapo version
of a "sexy" hallowe'en costume?!?

well, the outcry from comicbook land was loud & oh-so-clear.
&, apparently, listened to by the show's producers.

because recent photo releases from the set
reveal some realistic changes to ww's threads.

pants a flexible, breathable material? check.
boots red? check. heels flat? check.
top wardrobe-malfunction-proof? well, you can't have everything.

so here's to double-stick tape,
to mixing gold & silver accessories,
& to the wonderfully womanly wonder woman –

long may she bring the amazon ideals
of love, peace & sexual equality
to a world torn by the hatred of men.

[yes, her actual mission statement, circa 1941.]


image sources: connect.in.com, the hollywood reporter.

if i were to approve a tatoo for my child, then it would need to read thusly.

image source: the kiki comin shop [etsy].

a trailblazer worth remembering.

july 19, 1984. my 17th birthday.
& the day the first woman nominated
for national office by a major political party
accepted the bid for
vice president of the united states.

when geraldine ferraro began her acceptance speech
at the democratic national convention being held in san francisco,
it launched eight minutes of cheers and tears.

but it was still 1984.
& nbc’s tom brokaw, during convention coverage, described her as
“the first woman to be nominated for vice president …
size six.”

seriously.

sadly, brokaw served as microcosmic insight
into america's perspective at the time:
not ready for leadership sans y chromosome.

come november, the democratic partnership of mondale-ferraro was buried by the republican reelection of reagan-bush.
later, geralidine ferraro wrote of the defeat,
throwing ronald reagan out of office [at that point] . . .
would have required god on the ticket,
& she was not available.

geraldine ann ferraro was born on august 26, 1935, in newburgh, new york,
the fourth child & only daughter of
a first-generation italian-american mother & an italian immigrant father
who owned a restaurant & a five-&-dime store.

by the time geraldine came along, her parents
had already suffered the death of one son in infancy,
& another in a car accident when he was three.
geraldine was born two years later & was named for him [gerard].

when she was eight, geraldine's father died of a heart attack.
[over forty years later, during her vp run,
geraldine would learn from a newspaper article
her father had been arrested for running a numbers racket,
& had died the morning of his court appearance.]

so geraldine & her remaining brother were raised by their single mother,
who worked as a seamstress to send her children to private schools.
at her catholic boarding school, geraldine was voted most likely to succeed &
earned a scholarship to a private college.
she was an athlete, worked as editor of the school newspaper,
& became the first woman in her family to earn a college degree.
“delights in the unexpected” said her college yearbook entry.

geraldine became a public-school teachers in queens,
& applied to fordham law school,
where the admissions officer warned her
she had better be serious about her studies,
as she was taking a man’s place.
she taught by day, attended law school at night,
& in 1960, was one of two women graduating with law degrees
in a class of almost 180.

geraldine married businessman & realtor john zaccaro,
but kept her maiden name to honor her mother.
she spent the next 13 years
having & raising three children,
doing legal work for her husband’s business,
working pro bono for women in family court,
& dabbling in local politics.

in 1974, geraldine accepted the position of
assistant district attorney for a special victims bureau,
investigating sex crimes, crimes against the elderly, & domestic abuse.
the job led her to develop an ulcer, become a social liberal, &
befriend then-new york secretary of state mario cuomo.

in 1978, at cuomo's urging, geraldine ran for congress & won.
she served ny’s blue-collar ninth congressional district
in queens for three terms,
gaining the friendship of another political powerhouse,
then-united states house speaker tip o'neill.

characterized as everything from "spirited" to "strident,"
congresswoman ferraro was a self-proclaimed "tough democrat"
who called it like she saw it &
wasn’t intimidated by money or men.

she doggedly fought on the hill for
equity for women in wages, retirement plans, & pensions,
the equal rights amendment, abortion rights, & a nuclear freeze.
but she wasn't a straight-party follower, & tended toward fiscal conservatism.
yet her personal experience with the special victims unit
kept her perspective progressive.

"no matter how concerned i am about spending," she said,
"i’ve seen firsthand what poverty can do to people’s lives,
& i just can’t in good conscience not do something about it.”

then came 1984.
having worked her way up through the congressional ranks &
with vehement support for a female running mate from women’s groups,
geraldine was tapped by mondale for the vp candidacy.

the gesture was profound. the campaign was painful.

her qualifications were questioned.
her husband’s finances were scoured.
she faced down hecklers almost daily.
barbara bush implied she was disingenuous, calling representative ferraro
"a four-million-dollar – I can’t say it, but it rhymes with ‘rich’."

within five years following her vp run,
ferraro's campaign finances were investigated &
found faulty & slightly shady,
her husband pled guilty to trying to defraud a mortgage broker &
their son was convicted for dealing cocaine at college.

ferraro ran for one of new york's u.s. senate seats in '92 & '98,
but didn't even get the democratic nomination.
still, she insisted,
"anytime a woman runs, women win."

she returned to law, advocating for women
raped during ethnic conflict in the former yugoslavia.
she was inducted into the national women’s hall of fame in 1994.
she wrote three books.
she was named as an ambassador to the united nations
human rights commission during the clinton administration.
she co-hosted cnn’s crossfire for three years.
she ultimately joined a public-relations firm
offering guidance to clients concerning women’s issues.

meanwhile, she was diagnosed with multiple myeloma,
a blood cancer she continued to battle for a dozen years,
becoming a typically outspoken speaker on her disease &
supporter of the multiple myeloma research foundation.

she died of complications due to the disease march 26th.
she left behind her husband, her three children & her eight grandchildren.
& a glass-ceiling-shattering legacy to women leaders,
from her friend hillary clinton
to her fellow female vp candidate sarah palin.
&, as president obama noted, well beyond:

"geraldine will forever be remembered as a trailblazer
who broke down barriers for women, &
americans of all backgrounds & walks of life. ...
[my daughters] sasha & malia will grow up
in a more equal america because of
the life geraldine ferraro chose to live."

give 'em hell, gerry.


image source: ny daily news.